Pure Activation right here. Me in the back t-rexing it out, Ellen Todd pretending she’s a cheerleader, and a friend of ours who was trusting us to keep her safe in the cart. All 100% Activated to all oblivion.
If you’re still confused, see SAT Words blog post. 
Want to score high on your SATs and ACTs? Here’s a whole list of words to get the highest SAT and ACT scores EVER.
It Isn’t Slutty If You’re Wearing Pearls has it’s own little language, so here is a breakdown if you’ve been confused or if you are a new reader. I will add more terms in as I remember them. This is the way I talk normally so sometimes I forget that people outside of my daily interaction might not know what I’m glitterfucking talking about. Feel free to submit ones you’ve seen that I should clarify in here. Your New SAT study guide. All you’ll ever need to know for the PSAT, SAT, ACT, MCAT, etc.
Naked- everyone is naked. ”What are you doing” “Naked at the bar”. Basically just an add-on to anything you are doing.
Sexual- same as naked ”Where are you?” “I’m on my sexual way to class”. It doesn’t literally mean you are sexual and getting off on the way to class or wherever.
Horny and scared- a response to give anyone that texts you something you dont want to answer or if they simply ask you “whats up”. It means nothing. It’s just weird.
Activated– Activation is when you were being normal, but then you just get turned on/excited/ready for whatever you’re about to do. Sometimes you have to manually Activate your friends because they are being Debbie Downers. This is usually done by giving a pinch on the nipple unexpectedly and saying “You’ve been Activated”. Nipple pinch is not needed unless they are just refusing to Activate.
“YOUVE BEEN ACTIVATED!!” — Once these words are said, there is no turning back. You cannot become Unactivated.
Over-Activated– Someone got too excited. Overdid it. A little too much Activation. Usually ends up with a disaster or hangover or doing some idiothole thing like prancing around in nude tights and a rubber tire with a balding patchy wig on, or some other scenario.
Glitterfuck/Sparklefuck – fuck. only better. can be used in all the ways fuck is used. ”I’m glitterfucking so excited right now” “Come over, you glitterfuck”. ”Im going to glitterfuck the shit out of you.”
Raging Boner – oh come on.
Nipplefart– you can use this to call someone a name, or just as a sign of defeat, instead of saying DARN IT, you just say “ohhh NIPPLEFART.”
Bye- 1. Used when you are making a sentence that has no spaces between words both verbally and textually. Usually to show excitement. “Icantwaittoseeyoushitholelarrythanksbye”
2. It can also be used in combination with Oh as a response to feeling awkward. ”Do you usually not flush the toilet?”. ”Ohbye”
Starfish, Starfishing – The act of laying out in the shape of a starfish, all spread eagle, arms and legs out. You can do this face down or face up. ”I’m going home to go starfish the shit out of my glitterfucking bed.”
Psychotic Pony Kick- doing a strange violent kick kinda backwards but maybe a little sideways too with one of your legs when you are really super excited.
Idiothole- Idiot/stupid. It sounds like a bad word, but it is not. ”Shut up, Idiothole” ”I don’t want to watch this idiothole show!”
Shithole Larry- Same thing as saying “Holy Shit!!”. “SHIT HOLE LARRY IM LATE AGAIN!!!!”
Charity, Charity Ass – when someone gives you something whether its a compliment, an invite or a gift that you wanted but you felt like they did it because they felt bad for you. ”No. I don’t want your charity ass invite to the bar!” ”I don’t want your charity leftovers, you left me 3 noodles and an orange slice with a bite out of it”
Trudy- My drunk alter ego. She’s kind of a bitch and always gets in trouble. But, in the blog, she is also used as a cover up name for my friends that do extra embarrassing things.
Ellen Todd- My best friend. Responsible, adventurous, the person who never wants to stop partying when everyone else is ready for bed. Will sit on your chest drinking a beer screaming “PAY ATTENTION TO ME” and then she will bite your face. Then she will get up and go to her really awesome job like nothing happened. Eater of mostly healthy and organic foods.
Barbie – former cheerleader, model, LFL player and talented designer. Leaver of bbq stains and secret vulgar notes. Brings children’s toys to the bar, ie etchasketch, bubbles, fake rotten teeth.
NoPants Baker – Other Bestie. she doesn’t like pants. Allergic to dairy. eats it anyway. Extremely successful dietician. Repressed ADD. Travel companion.
Timid Bicycle: Ex bf. bought me a bicycle. he was timid.
Laser: Ex-bf. put a booger in his mouth while he was asleep because he annoyed me.
Scraggle – Idiot girls. scragglefucks.
Struggle– Welcome to the struggle, it’s no fun and games. Struggle can be a person or an event. “He’s a struggle” basically anyone who flails around noticeably awkward or when you just have an all around strange time somewhere. “Yeah, we’re leaving the bar, there are a bunch of strugglers in here.” ”Last night was a struggle. We started off at a party, broke a lamp, Jen made out with an old man and then we slept in the car. I lost my keys and my dignity.”
Complimentary- generosity and free. “I left a complimentary mustard stain on your pillow case”
Raggedy- unfortunate existence. usually a girl.
Squiggle-- something that has no shape or form. basically people you don’t really care about. “hes just a useless squiggle.” “Squiggle McFarty Pants”
Wealthy- poor. When referring to my charity ass phone, I will often tell my friends they are not wealthy enough to afford such a luxury cell phone. “Wealthy” is used mostly when you have something old, broken, or just… shameful. ”How do you like my manicure? Yes, only 3 1/2 nails are painted, it’s a manicure of the wealthy.”
Elite- see “wealth”. Driving past valet and going to public parking aka, the elite and wealthy meter parking.
Diarrhea Spritzer – anything gross you are drinking. or if you just can’t remember hte name of it. or if you just want to offer someone at the bar a drink, you offer them a diarrhea spritzer because you are kind and generous and wealthy.
-”What are you having” “A Diarrhea Spritzer.” “ohbye”
Swifty Hellhole- my current car.
Poor Unfortunate Soul — My silver mazda protege that committed suicide in 2010.
Rust-stache- My old 1984 rust-red toyota 4×4 truck that was lifted and had rims.
Mustache of Insecurity– The end of your hair you use to put across your upper lip during awkward conversations.
I’ve come to the conclusion that WordPress is never going to feature me on Freshly Pressed. Most likely because I’m always talking about boobs, when not to fart, stealing diamond shoe clips as a child and other embarrassing stories that they feel are not front page worthy.
Rude andddd Rude, WordPress!
Everyone has something to say about my chest.
In high school, people used to ball up pieces of paper in class and make 3-pointers down my shirt in the middle of Mr. Z’s history class.
I wore two bras to cheerleading practice.
I accidentally flashed the Jumbotron at HFStival when I was 14. No seriously, it was an accident.
My friends like to grab them and make me perform embarrassing tricks with them, like last 4th of July when they circled me at Wavehouse in San Diego and forced me to prove that I could, indeed, hold an entire pitcher of beer between them. (this couldnt have happened without some gangster ass chest muscles, by the way, so it wasn’t just my boobays)
My brother refers to my clothing as “boobie shirts.” He asks me, exasperated, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO WEAR THE BOOBIE SHIRTS?!”
Because, Scott, I could have cleavage even in a turtleneck. It’s not going anywhere. I know its gross to think your sister has boobs and that males might like them, but I don’t plan on frolicking through life as a swamp being forever, you know!
If you’ve ever run a marathon, you know any extra weight is no joke. I’ve run three. I’m excited about my tetas, but I know that there are other wishfuls out there that yearn for a little more in the boob department.
Girls, let me tell you. Go into the mirror, take off your shirt, touch your boobs and say, “Oh man. This is hot. You like that daddaayy??”
This is what I do pretty much every day of my life. I seriously look in the mirror and tell myself I’m more than alright, even on the LA scale. It is important to do this. If you don’t believe in your beauty, who will? It won’t even matter if someone else does because you won’t even believe them.
No matter the size, your lil boobies are hot.
But just in case you feel like you STILL need some help above the bellybutton even though I’m trying to tell you that you have to work on the inside to feel sexy on the outside, I have some tips for you.
Step 1: Pump the area you want to be affected with both hands vigorously. Make oomp tiss oomp tiss sounds while you do this like you’re listening to electronica. It helps simulate the machine of big boobness.
Step 2: Eat boob shaped foods; for ex: egg, grapefruit, pomegranate, french rolls
Step 3: Drink milk. If you want udders like a cow, chug like you’re beer bonging that dairy like you’re tailgating on a lactating mother of twins.
Step 4: Scream “mama, leche” at women in public who have big boobs to let the titty gods know what you want. Don’t be so sexually shy, go ahead and let them hear your prayers.
Step 5: “Fake it til you make it”. Always refer to your incredibly large breasts during inappropriate times in conversations, even if you dont have them yet, so you can get the feeling of what it would be like to carry around those swangers permanently. The more you mention how big they are, the better your chances.
Step 6: Gain massive amounts of weight but never take off your skinny jeans so that all your new fat is forced upward toward your nips and stays off your hips. Skinny jeans will keep it in. But not jeggings. They stretch too much and make women think they are 2 pants sizes smaller than they are. This is not a time for tomfoolery with illusions.
Step 7: if all else fails apply for sponsorship via craigslist.
OH. When I post something funny and cool on facebook, everyone has an opinion.
But THEN!!!!
My phone commits suicide and I’m stuck on one of those $20 medieval nokia phones that have three letters per number on the key pad so that I literally have to clickclickclick a billion times for one letter to show up properly and the best feature on the phone is that there is color, a flashlight and an fm radio feature but the speaker phone doesn’t work and it shuts off in the middle of all my calls, so I’m often in depressing scenarios such as: “so I was drinking with Katie and things were getting crazy and ….Ohbye” It’s fine. Didn’t need to tell that story on the phone again. It’s all good, Nokia, you temperamental cheap toyphone.
This is what I’m working with. I’m seriously about to psychotic pony stomp it into the effing floor. 
I posted a little note on Facebook, hoping a brudder or sista would help this glitterfuck out while I’m in a wild phone struggle, but no. Not a creak in the facebook world. Not an effing PEEP. 30-odd agonizing moments go by, sitting over here telling myself, Oh Monica Fay, someone will come to your cellular rescue. Someone will lend you a smartphone that doesn’t make you feel like you’re using a tv remote control from the 90s.
Yet not one response.
I’ll go back to erasing texts now since this bad boy can’t hold more than 200 sent and received AT A TIME.
I shall remember this y’all.
My right hand ladayyy Monica Schroeder, the only other person I will accept sharing the name Monica, without bitterness, shows her dedication to the pearls and to her craft with the shears of haircutting mastery.
LOVE how the scissors are chopping through the I’ll Cut You which is written in locks of hair!!
Artist: Stephanie Mont
Shop: 46 & 2 Tattoo: Fargo, ND
Dear Women Who love to Quote Marilyn Monroe’s “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”:
Most likely you are saying this because the guy you have in mind definitely is NOT giving in to your BS or paying attention to you… this is because you
1. acted like a crazy ass psychotic animal and nobody cares enough to see you at your best at this point or
2. the guy doesn’t care enough about you to handle you so he’s ignoring you or being super neutral when you’re being passive aggressive or aggressive or just plain in your head about everything.
So, at this point, before quoting Miss Monroe and trying to let people believe you’re actually in control when we all know you are torn up the dude isn’t reacting well to your shit, just harness yourself in a TAD on the “at my worst” because, contrary to popular female reactionary patterns, you can still hit rock bottom without being a total fuck up and you can still be a raging female without being a hot mess and an embarrassment to all. Then, when you are at your new, slightly restrained, “worst” maybe your guy will want to handle you.
By the way, at Marilyn Monroe’s worst, she was a super star who has been emulated for half a century since. Marilyn is allowed to be a pilled-out alcoholic tantrum thrower. When you get to that stage, then you can be, too. Until then, zip it.
With Love,
Monica Fay
