Oh hell. Please do not refer to your child as “42 months old”. He’s 3 and a half. Your kid is 3 and a half years old. Jesus christ. I guess I’m 338 months old.
I am really not in the mood to do mental mathematical gymnastics to determine if showing him Pulp Fiction and Wild Things is age appropriate when you leave me in a room alone with him.
What if mothers get tired and they drop the “months” as we’ve come to drop the “years” when we tell people our ages?? 42 months. Are you 3 and a half? Or are we going by dog years? in that case, you’d be 22 and a half. and that means you can watch bad things. What about bourbon? Is 42 months old enough for that? because 42 sounds old. When you invite me to your kid’s birthday party, and I say I’m at a 42nd birthday celebration and my friends want to come crash and bring champagne, what am I going to do with them when they come and destroy the moon bounce instead of destroying moonshine??
Am I up to date as far as developing on a 30 day cycle goes? Am I exactly where I should be? Am I young for my age?
This month, if I pay my credit card bill off completely, I will have paid all bills on time, have had no hangovers, have worked out almost 4 days straight, not used my last 35 dollars on shots and chicken tenders, and not made out with anyone in a shitty bar. Those are some pretty solid milestones for 338 months. Yours truly, your little blooming buttercup, with pollen in ALLL the right areas, is progressing age appropriately! It was touch and go there for a while, I wasn’t hitting any significant progressive markers in my late 20s as my other peers were. But now… now I’ve mastered bill paying, credit restoration, emotional stability (somewhat) and some advances in the career that I literally pulled out of thin air and created myself because I just couldn’t fart out another resume cover letter telling people how fantastic I am and lying about how hard I will work for them.
Oh sorry, I’ve miscalculated in my attempt to segment my life into monthly developmental milestones! I’m actually a young, spry 332 months as opposed to the previously stated 338 months. How will I ever get recognition in this town if I can’t even properly add up my own months! Oh mai! I’m done for at whole foods and soul cycle.
Like seriously your kid is sh*tting in his own hand and constructing grammatically correct sentences on the floor of your pruis with it and stealing organic dog treats from the bulk bins and storing them under your boob after a very public breastfeeding when he wasn’t really hungry, he was just walking up to you for money for candy but you tore your shirt off and shoved his head into your nipple anyway, then glared at everyone, demanding they challenge your right to force feed in a public arena. I don’t think we need to celebrate every damn month at this point.
Your kid is 3 and a half.
But I am still 332 months. CARD THAT AT THE BAR, BETCHES.