It took me a while to get this out. I’d say the one and a half month wait was due to embarrassment, but it wasn’t. I was just being a lazy, ADHD, unruly wrecking ball of dandruff and glitter.
Dandruff due to seborrheic dermatitis.
Seborrheic dermatitis is caused by stress, fatigue, low self-esteem, embarrassment and obesity.
Well. If that isn’t raw sexuality, I don’t know what is.
So yes, I basically get dandruff flare when I’m having bouts of stress while obese and getting myself into awkward situations.
That sounds about right.
Why was I so stressed? What ever so traumatic could be happening in this magical hellhole we call life that could induce flakey flare?
Oh just a little thing called incarceration. After all, two days before Thanksgiving, I was arrested in front of my boyfriend. But not just my boyfriend. My brand spanking new, 3 weeks young, boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend, the dogs and ALL of our neighbors, who waddled out of their houses to watch my car Swifty Hellhole get searched (ha jokes on you because I have piles of girl in there.) and subsequently put into the back of a squad car by the HOTTEST Jerkface cop I’ve ever seen. You are an asshole sir, and I will NOT hit on you. There are consequences to your actions, I hope you found out the hard way, Officer YouGetNothingNotEvenAButtCaress.
Hold the phone. HOLD THE PHONE. Back it up, you have a boyfriend now, Monica Fay?
Yes. And I don’t know why, but the kid is still with me, even after the PTSD he must have developed from watching his new girlfriend get arrested at 9 am, in pink striped knee socks, no shoes and pearl earrings.
I had just cooked eggs for everyone. I had just put breakfast on my own plate when my brother ran in and yelled that the police were towing my Swifty Hellhole and asking for me.
First of all. If the police are the ones taking your car and not the meter maids, this is NOT a good sign. Second, if the police are asking for you at your neighbors… this is not a good sign.
So, naturally, like a big boobied blonde ditz in a scary movie, I went right to where the obvious mayhem was centered. Knifed. If this was a scary movie, I would have already been knifed.
So yes, I was arrested. ARRESTED WITHOUT EVEN A WORD. I tried to get cuffed fast so that nobody in my house would finish breakfast before I got to leave, I urged the cop to GET ON WITH IT. I don’t know if Officer Twatfcuk has ever had someone urge him to arrest them faster before.
Of course I’m the unlucky girl who is dating someone who actually cares and watches out for me, so, my boyfriend, (nickname has not been chosen yet) stood there on the sidewalk, looking forlorn as I drove past, sitting in the back of the squad car, pink cotton socks getting grubby from God knows what had been rolling around high on bath salts in that same seat hours before.
By the way, no Rights of Miranda were read, mimed, acted out, trumpeted, or interpretive danced out. There was no warning of my right to remain silent. I didn’t.
The car stopped in front of my house, my brother and his girlfriend outside, absolutely bewildered.
With tears in her eyes, she leaned in and said “Don’t worry we’re going to bail you out.”
I said to her, “Stace, whatever you do, don’t bail me out. I’ll be back tomorrow and I won’t owe any money for bail or to the courts. This isn’t my first rodeo.”
Then officer Hot Bitchface and I drove around one complete block to the El Segundo Police station to book me for a 48 hour party.
I’m sorry but if our tax payer dollars are going to cops driving me around the block to the station, there’s going to have to be some changes in California. We could have gone green and walked. It could have been an eco-friendly arrest. It could have been an ozone stroking stroll to the station which is so close to my house that if I flushed my toilet their shower of shame would run cold.
I’m tired of typing. If you want to learn why I got arrested in the first place and find out about my new prostitute friends and new things I learned about meth and also see my hysterical mug shot, stay on board ya’ll. This isn’t for amateurs. Seasoned Strugglers only yall.
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