The Strategy of The Knockout Game


So. The new thing that idiots are doing is “The Knockout Game”. You punch some random minding his own dang business in the head who’s probably innocently sexting his life away to someone they right swiped on Tinder and then you come along and bean them in the temple and they are knocked out.

Seriously… What a dumb game.  I mean, yes, it is violent and awful, but it’s just really dumb outside of that.

There’s one requirement. Knock a stranger unconscious. oh.

The games I liked the best growing up had to do with people on teams or the skill of trying to catch someone or at least hiding or even killing each other in video games. You know, on a screen. Sometimes we wrestled?  Sometimes I played Solitaire when I was feeling real real lonely? Sometimes I made my Barbies get naked and make out in a gigantic multi-generational orgy-like kiss with Barbie and Skipper and the set of quintuplets?

But with this knockout game… I don’t know.  Are young people just that uncreative now? Did their parents, teachers and whatever adults are around them consistently, just not cultivate the creativity muscle in them? Did these people just like sit in a white room with a couple wooden blocks their entire lives and this is the best thing they can think up? Whatever happened to teenagers getting pregnant together? Whatever happened to young people taking too many drugs and getting naked in public? Whatever happened to joining gangs and shooting each other over the same 4 blocks of cement and wearing the wrong shade of purpley pink red green tornado brown?  Weren’t these activities ENOUGH?

What is the POINT?

Do you even get points? Do you win?  Are you racing someone else?  Is there a head punching goal?

Is there a glitter fiesta of glory that rains down upon you as your fists of lightening reach their victim?

Do you get extra points for punching yourself in the face?

Do you get penalized if you swing at someone and miss?

Are there teams?

Is there a rally cry?

Is this a strip tease kind of game? Like if you punch someone in the head your partner has to take off an article of clothing and whomever ends up naked first loses? Then you go to a park or someone’s basement and hook up as all desperate teenagers do?

If you are someone who enjoys participating in the knockout game, you should probably start off with Monopoly Junior first. You know, something light, something easy.  To familiarize you with what a “game” consists of, you know rules, goals, points, teams.

Not creeping on people. And hitting them.

If you think this is a game and you think this is fun, maybe unsupervised entertainment is just not for you, boo boo.

If someone knocked me out in the knockout game, I’d be pissed because I already HAVE ISSUES and I do not need my big ass head slamming against a metal pole and creating even more crisis.  Also, I dropped my phone enough this year, I’m on #3 ok, so if you knock me out and I drop my phone, you not only are going to pay my medical bills (and I’m an exaggerator, I mean good god look at my dang blog?!), you’re paying for my phone too and you’re going to have to answer all the idiots that get angry when I say “who’s this” every time I get a new phone, as if flirting two seconds at a bar is enough reason for you to have a permanent contact in my phone.  And I don’t think you want to deal with passive aggressive, effeminate, Peter Pan Syndrome LA boys, ok?

Anyway, the point is, the Knockout game seems so effing boring.  I’m not into violence anyway, but I feel like if I were to participate, I’d get bored fast and things may escalate quickly.

Like…YESSSSS THAT GUY IS OUT!!!!!!  So… now what? That’s it? We just run?  We don’t throw him in the river naked and steal his identity and buy steak dinners at Mastros? or anything? Oh, that’s…that’s murder and identity theft? OH IM SORRY I THOUGHT THIS GAME HAD STRATEGY AND AN EFFING POINT.  WHY ARE WE PLAYING IF THEY JUST LAY THERE.

Well, I hope it doesn’t ever escalate. I’m just saying. How do they not get bored?

I think anyone caught should seriously be publicly embarrassed about how uncreative and unintelligent they are.

I’m embarrassed for them.


One response »

  1. Yes, I reposted that video on my FB after my buddy posted it. Horribly violent and simply stupid. This is what our future is doing after school? Where have we gone wrong?

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