Here I am, sitting on an Amtrak from Los Angeles to San Diego jolting along like someone’s trying to get the last tic tac out of the container because I literally blew up the engine in my blue POS car Lil’ Tumbleweed by taking the advice to get an oil change in a timely manner as a mere opinion. Blew the damn engine. On the freeway. Outside of Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base. I guess pouring oil into your engine after it already starts to sound like robots are grinding on each other like two middle schoolers at a dance is too little too late. So I need an entire new engine and I cried when pepboys told me that, so they gave me a fat discount, but of course because it is a bigggg discount, they are taking their sweet glitter effing time and I have to take the train back and forth to get to my clients in San Diego. Gorgeous ride. Plus they have an alcohol car with snacks. bye?
Our country, actually, our entire world is on high alert because of the recent attacks in Paris, as well as Baghdad and Beirut, all on the same day. ISIS has decided to wield it’s crooked creepy ass dick on social media and the news, threatening to continue their reign of terror on the US after slaughtering over 100 people in Paris.
So, it is not my fault that I was a little on edge coming to the Amtrak station in downtown LA bright and early this morning.
First, the front of the station’s lobby is filled with at least 100 9th graders all flirting with each other’s acne. Why aren’t you in school right now in classes that don’t teach you about real life like not overdrafting your bank account so you can get 2 shots of tequila and a burrito at Panchos at 3 am? You’ll be needing that sooner than you think.
Then, half of the massive station was without power. Heavily armed sheriffs with german shepherds patrolled the lobby. Which means LA’s downtown crackheads were prowling in the dark corners on one end, and guns and dogs were on the other end. It’s fine, I’m safe here. There’s no cell service once in the station until you get to the platform for the train. I was assigned platform 9.
And yes, I did search for the 3/4’s.
No such luck.
I’m sitting on this train minding my own over-active imagination’s business. And then it went down.
10:14am- Some a-hole teenager popped a new bag of chips and I pretty much flew out of my seat thinking it was a gun shot. My apocalypse emergency plan was about to go into immediate activation mode. He and his little friend just sit there giggling. Laugh it up, PETER, laugh it up.
I move seats to the quiet car because it has bigger seats and you don’t actually have to be quiet because this is America. Also because the Amtrak guy said we it’s actually just a rumor that it’s a quiet car because it has massive relaxing seats in it.
10:34 am- I’m arguing with my best friend online about Candida and other really attractive things that girls talk about and flooding her facebook messenger with gigantic dick pics because she is annoying me with her righteousness (and her rightness) to the point where she can’t respond and I’ve stopped being annoyed. Best friendship saver, ever.
10:46 am- UMMM it is not at all comforting when the Amtrak stops and 2 Amtrak employees come running down the aisle and one screams to the other way down the train “DID HE GET OFF?!”
Ummm we are on high alert nowadays around here people, you cannot just scream that on mass transportation! I’m already on the emergency exit up to my thighs half out the window.
11:10 am- They disappear up the aisle, come back a few minutes later, having a convo about how the guy is hiding in the bathroom in one of the cars and they are going to force it open. If he has so much as a pen attached to his shirt I’m flailing off this train. Just flinging myself the fuck off.
I am sitting by the fire extinguisher. I always do. This is why: 1. they are always by an exit/entrance 2. if a terrorist takes over, you blast that shit everywhere until it’s empty so he can’t see where he’s shooting and you just creep through that cloud and roll your ass down the steps. Hit him in the head with the heavy metal container if you’re confident in your reach because you may have long arms like me that turn long sleeve shirts for normal people into a 3/4 sleeve. It’s called being a famous model okay.
11:26 am – Now they have a conductor involved and they keep searching and talking about him and how he is “somewhere on the train” and now a guy with a backpack just went running past me ducking along the seats lol I DONT WANT TO BE ON THE TRAIN ANYMORE
11:34 am – to add to the paranoia, the entire car now smells overwhelmingly like cooked broccoli which i am interpreting as a fire.
11:44 am- Amtrak guys act like nothing happened and are laughing it up with two guys sitting in their seats. WHERE DID THE FUGITIVE GO
HOPE YOURE HAVING A GREAT TIME WITH YOUR BESTIES, JERRY, while i’m sitting over here googling how to turn an extinguisher into a weapon to save us all.
11:46 am- Adderall is wearing down, I think i can open the tuna can of a bathroom door now and try to pee without twerking.
Young guy behind me listening to trap music and the old man next to him taps him on the shoulder and yells in his year ” I DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE LISTENING TO BUT I CAN GO ALONG WITH THE GROOVE!”